The Seasons of Life
by Wakisashi Girl
Summary: Written for LJ community 5trueloves challenge: five episodes, all Byakuya centric.
1. Chapter 1

**Fandom: **Bleach

**Title:** _Hana-wa sakuragi, hito-wa bushi_ _**(Among Flowers Be A Cherry Blossom, Among Other Men – A Knight)**_

**Author: **Sophia

**Theme: **No 14 – Blind

**Pairing: **Kuchiki Byakuya/ Shihouin Yourichi (hinted at Yourichi/Kisuke)

**Rating: **PG-13

**Disclaimer: **_Bleach_ is not my own creation, I do not own any of its characters as well. Written for pleasure, not for profit.

**Summary/Notes:** The first episode of battle between feelings and duty (_giri to ninjō)_ – two individuals from noble families, two different paths, two different loves. Sometimes it is impossible to meet halfway... /BE spelling and grammar.

* * *

_**Hana-wa sakuragi, hito-wa bushi**_

_Courage is not the lack of fear, but acting in spite of it_ (Mark Twain)

April is the most enchanting of the months of Spring. Alongside the river, the old and strong cherry trees in full bloom, envelop the greenery of the grass beneath them in a delicate, pink mist of fallen petals. They stand in silence, surrounded by the aura of majesty and supernatural splendour, letting two young souls hide underneath their understanding, patient branches.

The prince and the princess, a handsome young man in an indigo kimono with _kamon_ and a beautiful young woman are sitting side by side on the _tatami_. She is dressed in a _furisode_ made of the finest silk, her hair done in a _momoware _style, with golden combs on both sides, face hidden behind a fan which itself is a work of art. He watches her slender palm and wrist move as one as she gently fans herself according to the inner rhythm of her thoughts and emotions.

They are both children of the two great noble families, the strongest in all generations, the reliable leaders of their vassals and captains of the silent army of invisible soldiers, destined to protect human souls. She knows it and he does as well – they are to get married, for what better solution there could be than to unite two great, powerful houses? It was decided at the very moment of their birth that they shall be brought up together, train together and, finally, at the suitable age, become husband and wife and spend the rest of their existences together.

He would never go as far as to think otherwise: she fascinates him, enthrals him with her dark, soft skin, long hair that have a violet gleam, her strength and undeniable intelligence. She is the one whom he shared his first kiss with. She is the beauty anyone would be more than willing to marry, so how could he ask for more? They know each other's weaknesses and strengths, the dreams and ambitions... And their families approve of their relationship, encouraging him to propose to her as soon as he reaches the age of consent.

But even though he is Kuchiki Byakuya, it takes him years to find the appropriate words to express his will and propose to princess Shihouin Yourichi, his first passionate and sincere love, childhood friend and sparring partner.

Therefore, on that day, he takes her hand in his and, bowing, asks her hand in marriage, waiting for her answer and not knowing why his heart trembles as the silence falls.

He can feel her gaze on him and his heart trembles even more.

"Raise your head, Byakuya, and look at me", she says and the Kuchiki heir does as he was told, desperately holding on that last shred of hope he has left.

"I am sorry, but I cannot reciprocate your feelings, my dear friend", Yourichi continues, looking him straight in the eyes, "Our marriage is not what I have planned for my future".

Byakuya's throat suddenly feels dry and tongue stiff, his lips move but the voice does not come out. Nevertheless, the experience he'd gathered in years of education and training help him to regain control over his body and mind, and he manages to form a question:

"What are your plans, then, if I may inquire?"

"I want to live my life the way I feel is right and appropriate, Byakuya-bo", Yourichi replies and, raising her hand to stop him from interjecting, she continues:

"I do not care if it will ruin our families' plans, although I acknowledge the fact that they'll probably perceive my choice as a disgrace to the family and banish me. Moreover, I do not worry about the future of my division, because I've already managed to find someone capable enough to become my successor: she is strong, she is young and needs to stand on her own, as all she lacks is self-confidence. If I'll stay here, in Seireitei, Soi Fong has no future ahead of her, she'll remain my subordinate forever, she'll never trust herself enough to believe in her own abilities and instinct".

Byakuya nods more out of good upbringing than out of understanding, still filled with disbelief and involuntary fear of the family's rage. This is different from what he'd ever dare to imagine, this is not what he'd dreamt of, and certainly not what generations tirelessly fought for.

"This is unthinkable. Do you have any idea what your family will do to you when they learn that you refused to fulfil your obligations?", he asks her in a cold, emotionless tone underneath which he hides his own anxiety and an overwhelming disappointment. She seemed such a suitable woman to share a life with...

"I know, Byakuya-bo", Yourichi says with a crooked smile on her lips, "but honestly, I don't give a shit"

Byakuya shudders in disgust as her vulgar, loutish words reach his ears. Feeling even more disappointed, he asks one last, desperate question.

"But what will you do, where will you go?". His voice is hoarse, almost inaudible.

Yourichi sighs and squeezes his trembling hand. "Don't worry, I have someone waiting for me. And before you ask, yes, that's why I cannot be your bride: my heart belongs to someone already, so it is impossible for me to give it you, my dear friend"

"That... despicable Urahara Kisuke!" he hisses through his clenched teeth before he can stop himself.

"Don't forget to live, Byakuya-bo", Shihouin heiress says, getting up from the _tatami_. "Believe it or not, but I'm going to miss you" she ads and in split of second she's gone, leaving him all alone with his broken heart and an extremely heavy burden to carry on his pale shoulders.

The years go by, the future brings new challenges and, inevitably, choices to be made. It becomes harder and harder for the Kuchiki heir to follow the tradition and rules, for the sacrifices are far greater and more painful than he'd ever expected. Actually, each time there's very little to gain and a lot to lose.

Only then he realises what Yourichi had been trying to get away from, for it's the same thing that strangles him, makes him behave the way he does and constantly puts the thoughts into his head.

The world around them slowly becomes more and more filled with pain, putridity, corruption and infinite sadness.

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Additional explanatory notes

_Furisode – _a kimono with very long sleeves, appropriate only for young, unmarried women

_Momoware – _literally: a cracked peach; a hair-do appropriate only for young, unmarried Japanese women

_Kamon – _an equivalent of a European crest


	2. Speak The Silence

**Fandom: **Bleach

**Title:** _Speak The Silence _

**Author: **Sophia

**Theme: **No 26 - Gone

**Pairing: **Kuchiki Byakuya/ Kuchiki Hisana (rather one-sided)

**Rating: **R

**Disclaimer: **_Bleach_ is not my own creation, I do not own any of its characters as well. Written for pleasure, not for profit.

**Music: **_I'm Your Man _by Leonard Cohen

**Summary:** The second episode of battle between feelings and duty (_giri to ninjō)_ – is this love or just the reflection of it in the eyes of your own imagination?

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_**Speak The Silence**_

It is difficult to say why the have met at all. It is even more problematic to find a reason why he had chosen her, or why he gave her his heart and soul. Might have been that the _shiro-maku_ suited her delicate, slender figure and that she was a perfect candidate for a quite, fragile beauty of an ideal Japanese wife, the silent and modest and obedient follower of her husband's footsteps, one of the _Yamato nadeshiko, _a sweet, gentle carnation of Japan.

But it is equally possible that, to him, she resembled a wild rose, both enthralling and mercilessly tossed by the gusts of wind, constantly and tirelessly battling to survive. Simple and pure as nature, she was a breath of fresh air, a shade to hide in during a torrid day, a cup of water for the thirsty, a blissful sleep for the tired and the convalescence for the suffering.

This was his second attempt on finding someone to share his life with and from the moment he saw this _nadeshiko_ of his dreams among the dusty, dangerous streets of Rukongai, his mind was made up on making her his own, on protecting her from all the evil the world might bring and giving her all the riches he was entitled to. _She will breathe life into this empty, cold house_, he thought and asked her hand in marriage.

"I am not worthy such honour, Kuchiki-sama", she replied, lowering her gaze, bowing her shapely head slightly. Notwithstanding, he insisted.

"Don't you have any feelings for me, Hisana-san?", Byakuya asked, trying to sound as teasingly as possible and suppressing the arising fear of rejection at the same time. He hid the unpleasant emotion behind the kind, warm smile (of which they said it was charming). Finally, she looked him in the eyes and smiled as well, replying that yes, she would marry him, if he's certain that it shall make him happy.

Oh, it made him happy beyond words. And so Byakuya took his divine bride-to-be, showered her with diamonds, golden hair combs, breath-taking silk kimonos, beautiful flowers and his own adoration. He married her despite of his family's objections. In her _shiro-maku_ she looked stunning, almost like a dream or a princess from Heian era.

"I will give you the world – all you have to do is say a word, my love", he told her once and she rewarded him with her most tender smile, touching his hand gently, and said the all the world she needed was right there beside her.

Each time he took her small, slender frame in his arms he felt like to luckiest man in the entire universe, being able to worship her silent beauty, her small hands and feet, silky hair, rosy lips and small shapely breasts with his kisses and touches... She always slept curled up next to him, always within reach but in a small distance, but he didn't mind: instead, he kept sending silent thanksgivings to the unknown gods, grateful for her presence and friendship. For letting him love her.

_If you want a lover  
I'll do anything you ask me to  
And if you want another kind of love  
I'll wear a mask for you  
If you want a partner  
Take my hand  
Or if you want to strike me down in anger  
Here I stand  
I__'m your man_

Sometimes she insisted on being alone and left the residence for a few hours every two days. At first he felt confused and anxious and insisted on accompanying her, especially when he had discovered where the roads led her. But Hisana only shook her head gently and refused, explaining that finding the sister she'd abandoned in the past was her burden and not his.

Gradually, she became more and more concentrated on her search for her little sister – Rukia was the girl's name, Hisana told him – and the more time she spent in Rukongai, the less of her attention he'd get, the less warmth she kept for him and him only. However, he was still grateful for having her by his side. He tried to be as understanding as he could – he knew what loneliness and pain was, after all.

_Here I stand  
I'm your man_

Or so he thought.

It was not long before faith played cruelly with him and his heart. Hisana fell ill and got weaker and weaker every day, life and joy literally evaporating from her, her smile vanishing like a morning dew, as if it never existed.

One day, when he woke up just as the sun was rising, he saw that there was no one beside him: Hisana's half of the bed was empty and cold, her clothes missing, her _geta _not standing nearby... And even though she eventually came back in the evening, and even though she gave him a reassuring smile and a kiss, he already knew what hasn't been said, although he did not have courage to verbalise the thoughts hunting him.

His dreams were empty, dying at his feet like crumpled, dried leaves.

_Ah but a man never got a woman back__  
Not by begging on his knees  
Oh I'd crawl to you baby  
And I'd fall at your feet  
And I'd howl at your beauty  
Like a dog in heat  
And I'd claw at your heart  
And I'd tear at your sheet  
I'd say please, please  
I'm your man_

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Explanatory notes

Nadeshiko – a carnation

Shiro-maku – a traditional wedding kimono (literally: "pure whiteness")

Geta – wooden sandals (like the ones Urahara usually wears)


	3. A Reishiki Lesson

Fandom: Bleach

**Fandom: **Bleach

**Title:** _A Reishiki Lesson _(A Lesson Of Etiquette)

**Author: **Sophia

**Theme: **No 24 – White; Black; Colour

**Pairing: **Kuchiki Byakuya/ Abarai Renji

**Rating: **PG-13, which means it does not contain anything graphic or too explicit.

**Word count:** 1847

**Music: **Children's Crusade - STING

**Disclaimer: **_Bleach_ is not my own creation, I do not own any of its characters as well. Written for pleasure, not for profit.

**Summary:** The third episode of battle between feelings and duty (_giri to ninjō)_ – first stage of Byakuya and Renji's mutual fascination.

**A/N:** I would like to apologise to all of you who dislike yaoi or this particular pairing. My reasons for writing this chapter like that are quite simple, though: I like Renji's personality, I love the way he looks, I adore tall, well-made men with long hair (one of them I'm fortunately married to), moreover, I believe that Byakuya deserves happiness, and if there had been a man who could give it to him, it would've been Renji, for he's the one who finally earns his captain's respect and teaches him a lesson about honour and loyalty (though Byakuya is unwilling to listen at first, hence Ichigo has to repeat Renji's words in a different manner, XD). And one more thing: phrases about law and common sense are actually a part of the old Japanese rules established by Tokugawa Ieasu.

**Additional Explanatory Notes: **tae to, disnae doesn't, ken know, nae not, whut what, wuz was, everyun everyone, hame home, eejit idiot, etc. Aye, I'm giving you another display of Renji's heavy speech.

* * *

**A **_**Reishiki **_**Lesson**

The world around him seemed colder than ice, although winter was not yet to come. The more responsible for the others' existence he felt, the more heavy his heart got, the less his soul was able to fly and dream, the less he slept at nights, haunted by inexplicable, intrusive thoughts which seemed to run in circles like moths around the lamp or a candle, just before they got lost in their trance and burnt quickly, consumed by the insatiable flame.

The world's future and the foundations of Soul Society were placed on his shoulders and it was his duty to carry them for as long as he existed. Therefore he had to be strong, accept no compromise, let no unnecessary emotion blind his judgement and simply hold on to what seemed to be the most stable and unchanging element of the reality he had to live in: the rules and law. It was not unnatural of him to acknowledge them as they were: he was the son of aristocratic family of military leaders, the guardian of the universe's foundations, the one to whom the young looked up to.

Had it not been for the promise he'd made at his wife's deathbed, he would have just drown in a sea of grief and savour the feeling of following numbness towards the world's affairs, living his life to the letter of rules and expectations. Within these limits he knew how to behave and did not have to control himself so much, as the rules and law were in his blood, blood of a son of the noble shinigami family. He was born with them, he breathed them with his daily air, he knew them by heart and could recite them like a favourite poem, forward, backwards, leftwards, rightwards any time of the day or night.

But even though he knew them so well, he loathed them passionately, disgusted by their inevitability, feeling burdened by the duty to preserve them, to guard them as if they were necessary for the world not cease to exist. He acknowledged the fact that he had to set the example for the others, he believed that it was his duty, and yet he dreamed of the years when he was allowed to be straightforward, harsh and spontaneous, the time when he could still be perceived as a child. A child allowed to make mistakes. Though maybe those times were just a dream, a product of his imagination, maybe he never had been young at all...? _However beautiful and pleasant, it must have been a dream_.

He missed her sometimes, her quiet presence in his life, her beauty, her scent and delicate complexion, even her flaws... _Hisana._ His _nadeshiko_, a piece of his heart and soul. The best piece, Byakuya sadly mused, staring into the emptiness and trying to find anything worth living for.

Eventually he found his wife's sister. A delicate-looking girl with big violet eyes and jet-black hair and features so like Hisana's that looking at her made his heart clench and twist in pain. So he decided not to look, not to watch, not to get to know her and he always spoke to Rukia (because he did not talk to her) with his back facing her, never looking her in the eyes, never willing to recognise her true nature. She was his duty, but her weakness (at least he considered weakness to be one of her numerous flaws) and insecurity brought him shame and disappointment. Not that he expected something else: he could not allow himself to feel any positive feeling for her, it was the only way to keep both her and himself safe. Safe from creating a bond that would only hurt them both in some way sooner or later.

And so he condemned her to death. _Law is law and one must obey it_, he told himself over and over again, like a mantra, till resonated in his head, deafening and suppressing the stiffening, unbearable sense of guilt and failure. Tranquillising himself with those words, determined to believe they were true, he fought the ones who tried to wake his conscience, the ones who tried (not entirely in vain) to make him remember that he still had a heart. Rukia, the only one of the family who truly respected him and who wanted to be his sister, even if it meant suffering from pain of rejection. His untamed (but lacking self-confidence) lieutenant, expecting him to defend her. The orange-haired human, screaming insults at him and finally kicking his stubborn arse so hard he'd been barely able to stand up.

_Pawns in the game are not victims of chance_

He perished and was grateful for that. Though his wounds hurt like hell, he felt better, lighter, even if not completely relieved. After years of imprisonment, he finally saw that, in reality, he had nothing to lose. Nothing to be afraid of. No shadows to run away from. Moreover, a chance to be himself and truly breathe again seemed more than real this time.

Lying in bed at the fourth division hospital, he kept thinking over and over again, the same scenes playing in a forward-rewind mode inside in his mind's eye, the guilt and disappointment with himself unpleasantly omnipresent in every one of his thoughts. _I was like that, I am not happy at all, I am tired, but what shall I do? I do not know if I will be able to look them in the eye. As Renji would most probably say, _sich shame_, shame on me indeed..._

_Poppies for young men, death's bitter trade_

_All of those young lives betrayed_

Much to his surprise, he found Renji by his side again, sitting in the corner of the room, carving something in a piece of wood with a small, sharp knife. Byakuya did not know what to feel – joy or anxiety – in the presence of his subordinate. Renji was here, he did not leave him nor turned his back on him, but... _Is it possible for him to forgive me? Shall I even be as audacious as to beg him for forgiveness? _

But before he could decide on something, before Renji could finish what he had been struggling to say, that orange-haired brat interrupted them, and when he left, Byakuya found his attention led astray from his previous thoughts. Gathering all the courage he had left, doing his best to keep his usual stoic façade, the Kuchiki heir managed to ask the following, trivial question:

"So, Renji, would you please tell me why are you here? I presume you were trying to find the appropriate words before we were interrupted"

"Ye want me tae be honest, taichou? The truth is nae appealing, though, ye might not like it at all. I wanted both tae follow my conscience and protect ye from yerself, Kuchiki-taichou. On both tasks I've failed miserably, but when ye left me there, drawing my terminal breaths, I've realised that ye have already defeated yerself, that ye are already suffering from a wound that was even more mortal than my own... And from that moment on I could only pray tae Heaven for making Ichigo strong enough tae help ye fight for yer own bloody life"

"You... didn't want me to die, Renji?", an undeniable tone of surprise rung in Byakuya's voice.

"Oh Me Gawd, of course not! I jus' wanted ye tae understand, tae open yer eyes and see whut wuz going on, whut mistakes ye were making, and how much ye really had tae lose. I ken they say that law can defy common sense but common sense cannae defy law, but it disnae make sense tae me, prob'ly because I come from the dust of Rukongai streets, the place in which everun longs for a family, for a friend, for warmth and safety of yer own hame..."

"It might not sound sensible to you, Renji, but law had been created to organise the world, to set the rules, the boundaries, to show people clearly and unequivocally what should and what should not be, what to do and what not to, et ceatera. I suppose that's at least what I have been taught..."

"Aye, taichou, but is the law for the people or the people are for the law? Aren't we supposed tae protect the ones who are weaker than us, feed the small and the hungry, save the helpless? And last, but nae least, doesn't family mean anything tae ye? Nae only them lads from yer clan are yer relatives, ye ken. I even think than she should be more important tae ye than everyun else..."

Byakuya's expression did not change in a least, although his heart skipped a beat in surprise at Renji's straightforward statement.

"And may I inquire why?", he asked in his usual emotionless tone, looking Renji straight in the eyes.

The redhead blushed fiercely, lowering his gaze for a moment and scratched his forehead in obvious embarrassment.

"Because, if only ye would let her, she'd have accepted and loved ye just the way ye are, Kuchiki-taichou... Wouldn't have simply burdened ye with her expectations... She's not one of them bigjobs from yer aristocratic family, but she's more like family to ye than anyun of them... She cares for ye, Kuchiki-taichou – they don't. They demand, they ken how tae order people tae do things, but they ken nothing aboot love..."

He shouldn't feel confused or surprised, but he did nonetheless. It had never crossed his mind that love might have anything to do with relationships between family members, with an exception of a union between husband and wife. It was loyalty that held families together, not impulsive affections... At least that's what he had been taught.

And so he gave Renji a surprised look, his mind spinning and the heart beating faster than ever.

"C'mon, taichou, dinnae be sich a fecking eejit like the lot of them lads..." the low, husky voice of Renji's resonated in Kuchiki's ears. "Ye shouldnae think that ye are alone", Abarai added. "I'm always here to lend ye a hand, if ye need a stray dog like me... Let's work together, taichou, and change whut we can for better, awright?" - without hesitation, Renji held out his hand.

Seeing that work-calloused, warm, outstretched hand, Byakuya finally comprehends it all.

_Abarai Renji._

He is by no means weak or fragile, on the contrary – he is the embodiment of a masculine strength, an endurance beyond reason and the incredible stubbornness.

He is fire, he is life, a long-forgotten joy, an understanding friendship that does not await remuneration. He is the man one can rely on with the eyes tight shut, a trustworthy, loyal and devoted soul, straightforward, veracious and sincere.

Somewhere deep inside his heart the outspoken, hot-headed and extremely emotional teenager smiled at Byakuya's older self and winked, a wooden sword propped on the skinny shoulder.

"I hope that I will earn your trust again, Renji" he replied and took his lieutenant's hand. As soon as their fingers touched, Byakuya felt more alive already.


End file.
